Father's Day 2013

Today has been my best Father's Day yet!

I was up by my two kiddos bringing me breakfast in bed. It was toast, eggs, sausage, salsa, orange juice, and cookies. My son insisted on cookies. Cookies for breakfast is okay on Father's Day, especially if mandated by a little boy.

My boy, who is almost 3, keeps running around saying, "Happy Daddy's Day!" It's probably one of my favorite things he's ever said!

A little while later, my daughter brought me a gift. The gift sack was almost as tall as she was! I opened it up to find two homemade cards, complete with painted on hand prints. I'll may laminate them! I'll probably keep them forever. And my wife knows that as I am 1/2 Hispanic, 30% white, and 20% hoarder, I just might keep them for years to come! Oh and I also got some camo pants with the cards.

Blaze argued with me when I called my Dad. He said it was his Dad. Our argument went as follows: (I will Bold his words.)

I'm talking to my Dad on the phone.

My daddy's on the phone.

No, I'm talking to my daddy.

My Daddy.

My Dad.

My Dad.

My Dad.

My Dad.

Yes, your daddy is talking to my daddy.

No, my Dad!

This went on for several minutes. I finally gave in, and we decided his daddy was talking to his daddy. All the daddies were in fact his to be had.

Right now my wife & kids are all napping, and I am playing Bond on the wii. I'll add more later if anything else happens.

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Okay it's now mid afternoon. The argument with Blaze and I continued when My Sharona started playing. Turns out it is in fact His Sharona. He is such a silly boy! Oh and when I told my wife she had dry humor, she laughed. Then she said, "I don't knew how you have wet humor." I love her too. She makes me smile!

Throughout the day, my son continued saying, "Happy Daddy Day." It must have been exhausting because it got shortened before bedtime. By bedtime it was Happy You Day!

This last part is for my wife:

I want to thank you today. Jamie, thank you for seeing the best in me. Thank you for loving in me then and now. Thank you for loving me in worse and now in better. Thank you for believing me worth sharing a lifetime with. Thank you for giving me the gift of fatherhood!! Our kids make my day everyday, & I wouldn't have them if it weren't for you. Thank you!

Why I Hold Grudges

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is supposed to be easy. Or at least that's what I've been taught to believe. Jesus says to forgive seventy times seven. And I'm told that doesn't mean to forgive someone four hundred ninety times. Supposedly that means to forgive infinitely. For me, grudges tend to be the norm, not forgiveness. If a friend betrays a trust, they cease to be a friend. If a close friend betrays a trust, they might get a warning before they get the boot.

I grew up with anger in my heart. As a teenager I learned being passive aggressive was better than being physically aggressive. For about 15 years, I've followed this in my life. But changing how I expressed my anger didn't change the way I held grudges. Holding grudes just comes natural to me.

I've been trying to make improvements in my life recently. One of the things that I recognize I need to change is that I need to forgive others instead of holding grudges. For me, that's easier said than done. And part of it is that I don't really know what forgiveness looks like. I need a good definition that makes sense to me. You see, I've been acused of being an analytical person. I have to make sense of most things intellectually before I can move forward in action.

For several months I held onto the idea of forgiveness being like the following. Banks give out loans. They expect loans to be paid back with interest. If you don't pay back your loans, they can take your collateral(home, car, boat...). If a bank were to 'forgive' your debt, that would mean that you would no longer be required to pay what you owe. It seems to me that a bank could forgive a debt and still be wise enough not to give you another loan. So I saw forgiveness as to forgive someone of what they did to wrong me, but forgiveness doesn't mean I have to trust the person or let them have the opportunity to wrong me again. I shared this with some people I respect at church, and they agreed that this was a fine view of forgiveness.

That view worked pretty well for a relationship with a certain family member. As they only have contact with me about once a year, I haven't had to worry about it too much. But then again I'm not sure this is exactly what forgiveness is. The perfectionist that I am, I have to make sure I do this right. That... and I have other family members telling me I should do more. I really don't know if they are right or wrong.

I reflected on God's forgiveness of me. Now that's much more complicated! God shows love, compassion, mercy, and grace towards me. Is forgiveness all of that, part of that, because of that, or in addition to that? So I decided to break down mercy and grace. Mercy is not giving someone what they deserve. To use the bank analogy, mercy would be not taking the collateral(home or car) when a debt wasn't paid. Grace is giving someone what they don't deserve. So in the bank analogy, grace would be to forgive the debt(stop asking for payment). Grace could also be to extend another loan, knowing they might default on that debt as well. So now I'm left with the question, if I show mercy and grace to forgive someone, do I have to show grace enough to give them the opportunity to harm me again? Perhaps I should, but I don't think that forgiveness MUST encompass grace unconditionally. And perhaps I can't accept that as a requirement because I refuse to allow people who have hurt me to have the opportunity to hurt me again, or hurt those close to me.

Now I described the above so you would know where I was at in the process about a week ago. I was struggling with what exactly forgiveness looked like.

God has been revealing truth in my life that I wasn't aware of before now. Remember I said that I have to understand things before I can move forward in my acrions? Well, He has taken things I already knew and arranged them to make sense in ways I had never seen before now.

One such thing was during a discussion in a recovery group at church. Someone made a reference to the saying that revenge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. And as often as I hear that quote, in one form or another, it must really speak to some people. I am not one of those people. I find the saying to just be annoying. Just because you can quote some phrase doesn't make me want revenge on people any less. And as I spoke in response to that quote, I articulated my feelings in a way I hadn't thought about in a long time. The reason I hold a grudge is because I want the person who hurt me to get what they deserve. And if I can be there to dish that out, then so be it! I held grudges so that I could make sure justice was served.

I've had a couple months since that discussion to think about why I hold grudges. I've slowly been letting go of the idea that I have to be the one to ensure someone gets what's coming to them. I've been taking peace in knowing that the God I serve is a just God. There will come a day(even if it's not on this side of death) that everyone will have to answer for what they've done. Justice will be served. They'll get what's coming to them. What about forgiveness, you ask. Well forgiveness isn't free. We don't get a clean slate just because God says so. His holiness doesn't allow for that. There is payment required for the wrongs we've done. Now God allowed his son, Jesus, to be a substitute for those who believe and follow Him. But it is a substitute. There was a price paid. Jesus was beat and then killed on a cross for wrongs He never did. Forgiveness isn't free. Jesus took everything we deserve to get and took the punishment for himself. Knowing that has given me peace. I don't have to make sure that someone will get what they deserve when they wrong me, God will see to that. I don't have to try and be the deliverer of the justice they deserve, God will see to that. Knowing that God is going to take care of all these concerns has been a big relief in my life. Think about it. Every time someone wronged me, I held a grudge. Every single time someone wronged me, I felt a responsibility to make sure they got what they deserved. I'm 30. I've seen a lot of wrongs in my life. That's a lot of responsibility and stress I have imposed upon myself!

Now my next big revelation God showed me, happened this last week. I am going through doing my inventory for my recovery process. This includes writing down significant events in my life. It also explores the reasons for my actions. I've known I've had low self esteem for as long as I can remember. I've assumed it was a result of the shameful things I've done. What I realized is, that's not the cause! What a relief. Now my shameful sins certainly amplified my feelings of low self worth, but it wasn't the cause.

As I begin this paragraph, I know I won't share this post on facebook. At the very most I may give the link to a few close friends & also some friends in recovery. I haven't even decided what details I'll share. I've been thinking about this since God showed it to me last week...

When I was about 3 years old, I witnessed someone get raped. At the time I didn't really understand what was going on. But as I would remember that event in the years to come, I understood it more and more. When it was happening I knew I wanted to stop it, but being 3, I was unable to. This left me with a feeling of inadequacy. I wanted to help but couldn't.

This was also the birth of my holding grudges. That was how I coped with my feelings. For most of my life I told myself if I ever came across that man, I would kill him. At the very least I would physically beat him. I would show him I was in control and he was at my mercy. (Note that these are not the feelings I have as I write this.) I promised myself he would never be in a position of power over me, or anyone I cared about, ever again.

Obviously, this event is also the root of my anger issues. It was compounded by events later in childhood, but it all began with that event. It also explains why I get angry not only when someone hurts me but also when someone hurts someone close to me. I take on hurts of those close to me as if they were my own. It goes back to wanting to help that day. That person indirectly hurt me when he hurt her. As a brother, father, and husband, I am very protective of my family. I have cut off ties with people because I don't want there to even be a chance they could hurt my family. And it's not only physical harm that I fear, it's also a feeling that they may manipulate and emotionally hurt my family as I've been hurt in the past(or those close to me have been hurt in the past).

It helps knowing why I feel, think, and act the way I do. I'm not sure what I'll do next. I know I won't continue to hold grudges. It's not my place to make sure people get what I think they deserve. God will take care of it with or without me. And my stress level will be much lower if I remove myself from the equation when it comes to justice. In relationships, I don't know when I need to extend grace and when I need to extend mercy. Perhaps it's always. Perhaps wisdom will show that there are reasonable limits to boundaries. Perhaps perhaps perhaps... For now I'm at peace knowing God is ultimately in control. I'm getting more clarity in my life as I give more faith and trust to Him. And that's been healing.

Praying To Be Me

This time in my life has involved much change and growth. I turned 30 this year. I have a family that I love dearly. I'm simply not the boy I was 10 years ago. I'm a man.

As I was growing up, I picked people that I wanted to be like. I didn't have the 'normal' heroes that many of my friends looked up to in life. My friends liked Batman, Superman, Hulk Hogan, Michael Jordan, and others like that. I wanted to be like David from the Bible. He was a man after God's own heart. Just a couple years ago I wanted to be like Joshua from the Bible. He decided that for him and his family, they will serve the Lord. These were great people to look up to for those times in my life, but I'm ready for a new season in life.

I have a new prayer. My prayer is this:

Father,

Please help me to be the best me you created me to be, all the while serving and honoring you.

In Jesus' name I pray,

Amen

I'm ready to start living my life to be me. I'm tired of spending my life comparing myself to others. This left me comparing myself not only to my heroes but to my peers as well. It shouldn't matter if one of my friends accomplishes something I hoped to achieve one day. Their success doesn't mean I failed. This is how life felt to me for years. I'm ready to compare myself to me. Have I had successes in my life? That's much easier to gauge. I know I'm a better person because of the changes I allowed God to make in my life lately. God created Me for an unique purpose. I'm ready to fulfill my purpose and not worry about anyone else. I want to be the best me I can be! I want to be the me God created me to be.

I (Mickey Mouse Head) MOM

This year for Mothers Day the kids and I made cookies. We also got Momma a card that the kids colored on. This blog is some videos and photos of the preparation.

Here are the kids putting the cookies on the cookie tray.

 

Next they colored.

We had the cookies baking while try colored. Here are the Mickey Mouse cookies.

As you can see, we still have the cookie Armada sampled while putting them on the cookie tray. 

We even put it on the top of the serving plate for Momma to see.

The cookies say I (Mickey Mouse Head) MOM. Momma thought it was I (HEART) MOM. I can see where she would get that!

Quitting Smoking Is Like Being Married

When I quit smoking cigarettes it was tough. If you have never quit a bad habit or addiction, let me share my experience so you can understand. The biggest misconception I hear is that you quit smoking after your last cigarette. That isn't entirely true.

I loved the nicotine in cigarettes. It calmed me and helped me get through whatever stress was currently weighing on me. Smoking was my coping mechanism for life. A cigarette never told me I wasn't good enough. The nicotine was always there to make me feel better. I found comfort in smoking that no person could ever give me. I really did feel better after each drag, each cigarette, each pack. I would usually buy cartons, not just because they were cheaper, but because I would always have the security of knowing I would have the comfort cigarettes provided.

I actually had a few reason to stop smoking. Of course there are the health reasons that anyone has. We all know cigarettes aren't good for anyone's long term health. That wasn't a big modivation for me. My belief was smoking makes life better so why live a longer life if I'm just going to be miserable. But it was a result of a medical condition that I decided I wanted to actually stop smoking. You see, I have a pain in my abdomen on the left side. It often hurts and is sensitive. After CT scans, a MRI, X-rays, and tons of doctor visits with specialists, it was determined I have a pinched nerve in my spine that gives these 'phantom' pains in my side. There's actually nothing wrong with my side or abdomen. It's in my back. Now it took months before I got the answer to what was wrong. Undergoing so many tests and not knowing what was wrong left me scared that my choices and lifestyle might have caused this condition. I didn't want to ever end up with cancer or something else that left me miserable, especially if it was something I caused. That modivated me to stop smoking.

I had my last cigarette before going to sleep on November 20th, 2009. I quit smoking cigarettes that night. But the next morning I got up and wanted a cigarette, like normal. When I actively abstained from that first cigarette was when I really quit. Then a little while later I again wanted a cigarette. I had to consciously make a decision not to get a cigarette and smoke it. I was quitting smoking again. I probably quit smoking 60 times on November 21st, 2009. You see every time I wanted a cigarette, I could go get one and smoke it. Over and over I had to actively make the decision not to smoke. This continued several times every hour for three or four months. Then it got so I was only making the decision not to smoke a few times a day.

It's now been 1269 days since I quit smoking the first time. I no longer have to quit smoking hourly or daily. But there are still days when I really want a cigarette. There are stressful times when I want to cope by going to the nicotine that never failed me. In fact 609 days ago, I gave into those desires and had 2 cigarettes. I don't smoke today because of the tens of thousands of times I previously quit smoking. You see every time I want to smoke, I have the option to go buy a pack and smoke or find a different way to deal with life. Some of you may think it is easier to just keep the status quo. For me, that's not true. The easy thing is always to go smoke. In fact I could probably bum a cigarette from a friend and skip the initial financial burden. The hard thing, even now, is to actively choosing not to smoke. That's hard when I walk from my Jeep to Walmart. I often pass someone smoking. That smell often brings a desire to go back to the life I once had. But I actively choose the life I have now.

Now here is my real insight. I think marriage is like quitting smoking. I compare smoking to the single life. When we are single, we don't have to please anyone but ourselves. I know for me, it is always easier to be selfish. It requires an active decision for me to not be selfish. In that aspect, marriage is like quitting smoking. I have to actively choose to not be selfish just like I have to actively choose not to have a cigarette. Sure, I don't have to actively strive not to be selfish and love my wife every day, but I don't have to actively surpress the urge to smoke daily(at least not anymore).

Marriage has the 'honeymoon phase' where everything seems to be great and both parties are so in love. Being lovingly selfless is easy during that time. So in regards to quitting smoking, marriage is different on timing. Quitting smoking cigarettes was hardest in the beginning. Marriage has the harder times further down the road. But if I don't actively choose not to smoke, I'll go back to smoking. If we don't actively choose not to be selfish, we'll go back to being single. Marriage requires an active choice to be lovingly unselfish. Times will get tough. Will we cope with marriage by doing what we did when we were single(being selfish) or by actively choosing to make our marriage last(by being lovingly unselfish)? Our marriages deserve and require an active effort from us to make them last. I encourage all my readers to actively pursue success!

Note: The pictures in this blog are from a coupon book I just got in the mail from Marlboro. Yep, they still send my coupons. They are actively trying to get me to smoke again. Someone may come along to actively destroy your marriage. You must actively choose to make it work.

Last Week Of April

I've had some ups and downs, emotionally, this past week. Here are some positives:

I got to go to a birthday party with my girls.

Jamie and I got to eat fancy cupcakes.

My daughter got her hair pulled up in a fancy way while wearing a shirt from Ozark Christian College.

I ate a burrito and drank a Dr Pepper at our church cafe.

One negative I'll share, because it's a little funny now that a few days have passed.

My kids demolished a room. Toys were everywhere! A roll of disposable diaper insets(for cloth diapers) was unrolled. They threw clothes everywhere. Then they sat in the dresser they just emptied.

Magnetic Birds

This past weekend my son and I played in his new playroom. We would take turns drawing on the magnet boards. Both my kiddos love these. We have 3 of these magnet drawing boards, and somehow they still fight over who gets each one. Anyways, this has been a great way to teach shapes and numbers to my son. He is 2 and turns 3 in July.

I often will draw a mixture of items. A normal board may include a happy face, triangle, number 2, circle, and a sun. I'll pick an item in my head and have him locate. For example I may start it asking him to show me the triangle. I'll do this for each item once or twice. Then it's time for a new set of items. In each set, I usually will include one I know he knows really well and one new item.

When I had a bird in with my drawings he got really happy. He wanted to draw a bird. As I encourage creativity I immediately had him draw me a bird. We went back and forth taking turns drawing birds. It was a great unplanned fun time. I took a few pictures and of course, he wanted to do the same. So he would draw a bird as I took his picture. I would then draw a bird as he took my picture. This went back and forth for like 20 minutes.

Though I couldn't tell you that what he drew resembled birds, he knew he was drawing birds. In fact I was looking through my photos days later, and he told me I had a picture of a bird. I like that he recognizes his work.

It's neat to see his creativity show!

Below are some photos of his birds. I decided to include some of the photos he took of me. I'll let you guess which photos he took and which ones I took.